Lord Sleaze of Luvvy (for it is he): Good morning, squire. I was passing by your fine establishment and I came over feeling all grubby and in need of some under-handedness, a dollop of corruption, a soupçon of scandal.
St Anthony of Persil and Ariel: Eh?
Lord Sleaze: Some sleaze. I’d like to buy some sleaze, please.
St Anthony: Oh! Certainly sir. What can I tempt you with? I could
lend you a peerage.
Lord Sleaze: ‘Tempt’ – like it. Thank you. But I already have a
peerage. What about a mortgage scandal for myself and the good lady wife?
St Anthony: Umm, fresh out of those today, sir.
Lord Sleaze: What a shame. How about a pile of expensive consultants
to tell me why the health service is running out of money and cancelling
operations?
St Anthony: Never on a Tuesday, I’m afraid.
Lord Sleaze: Okay, then. Perhaps a nasty little war got up on the
back of some dodgy evidence?
St Anthony: Sorry. Try the BBC. It was their fault. Them and a wonky
boffin.
Lord Sleaze: Doesn’t seem to be my day, does it. What about some
fiddling of the statistics to make the economy look good?
St Anthony: Not much call for that around these parts.
Lord Sleaze: Not much call for that? The economy is the single most
important part of the election manifesto!
St Anthony: Not around here.
Lord Sleaze: And what, pray, is the most important thing in this
parish that will get you re-elected?
St Anthony: Water metering!
Lord Sleaze: Water metering???
St Anthony: Certainly, sir. Water is a public good that shouldn’t be
bought and sold by the pint…
Lord Sleaze: So…?
St Anthony: We’re selling it by the litre.
Lord Sleaze: Is that the best you can do? It’s not much of a sleaze
shop, is it?
St Anthony: Finest in Whitehall, sir!
Lord Sleaze: And what, exactly, makes you say that?
St Anthony: Well, it’s so neat and tidy!
Lord Sleaze: Well, it’s certainly uncontaminated by sleaze…
St Anthony: Yes, sir. That’s because I wash my hands of it so often.
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